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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  September 1, 2011 1:00pm-1:30pm PDT

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>> extreme fear and panic. i don't know what happened. [laughter] >> jon: ♪ happy birthday to you [cheering and applause] by the way, i don't have a receipt for that. [laughter] you know, america's recent fiscal troubles and stagnating economy shouldn't take away from the fact and shouldn't let us forget that we all hate each other. [laughter] a quick reminder of that in our new segment "culture war update: the dividening of america." our first dispatch comes from a veteran culture warrior, mr. lou dobbs, who seemed a little alarmed last night over a recent development in the world of comic books. >> peter parker, who was a white orphan from queens, was killed off in june during a fight with his nemesis, the green goblin. marvel comics saying it's replacing the iconic character
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with miles morales, who is part latino and part black. >> jon: my god, it's lou dobbs' worst nightmare, a latino that can climb walls. [laughter] [applause] not to in any way sun on his parade, but the new multiracial spider-man appears in the comic "ultimate spider-man," which is actually set in a different alternate universe than that of the real spider-man, who still exists and is still caucasian and also is not real. [laughter] but, of course, the arts are not the only battlefield in our culture wars. this conflict is also being fought in and around our pee hole. >> birth control for women now going to be completely free. >> no co-pay or deductible.
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>> i might be for that if i didn't see a lot of people out there able to buy a new pair of shoes. >> if you can afford a $5 frappuccino at starbucks, you can pay your $5 co-pay. [laughter] >> jon: what if you can't afford a $5 frappuccino and yet still have genitals? see, dana, and you know i like you very much, you and i as well-known television personalities are able to use our salaries to live on and set aside our speaking fees for frappuccinos and contraception. [laughter] not everyone can. yet they would still like to keep their, and let me use your starbucks parlance, tall family from becoming venti. [laughter] but you know what, maybe the sides aren't that far apart. let's break down the argument. >> supporters say this marks a
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milestone in women's health care. birth control opponents argue this is the government messing with god. [audience reacts] >> jon: i see. so on the one side they're saying greater access to contraception could result in $19 billion worth of savings and increased health care for women over a ten-year period. and on the other side they're saying, you're going to hell! [applause] all right. you know, boy, i got to tell you this, and i want you to hear this, the sanctimonious right-wing pundits always want to force their vision of the world on everyone else. because they're offended, we all have to give something up. >> this is a pair of steel beams in the form of a cross found in the wreckage of the world trade center. a group of atheists have recently filed a lawsuit saying that this cross should not be part of the ground zero memorial. >> jon: atheists! [laughter] damn you to -- atheists. [applause]
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by the way, atheists, why do you give a [bleeped]? that cross is an artifact. it was found at ground zero. it has come to mean something to people who view it as a symbol of comfort. if it really bothers you, why not just think of it as a metal t-shaped thingy? or purely an architectural term. it's not a cross. it's a cross beam. don't think of it as an ode to jesus. think of it as an homage to jesus the canaanite with a relatively unsuccessful carpentry business. [laughter] but you know what, that's fine, that's fine. that's our system. you can file lawsuits. just because there is a lawsuit doesn't mean that it will be successful. everyone is entitled to their day in court. it's not like the atheists are being total dicks about it. >> here's a quote from dave silverman, the president of the american atheists organization.
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"the world trade center cross has become a christian icon. it has been blessed by so-called holy men and presented as a reminder that their god, who couldn't be bothered to stop the muslim terrorists or prevent 3,000 people from being killed in his name, cared only enough to bestow upon us some rubble that resembles a cross." [audience reacts] >> jon:, well, i can see why he's the president. [laughter] "as president of the american atheist organization, i promise to make sure that everyone, even those who are indifferent to our cause, will [bleeped] hate us." [laughter] of course, the atheists symbol is this, the atom, which the group suggested as an alternative statue at ground zero, because we're all made of atoms. but unless i'm wrong here, atoms are already well represented at
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ground zero. there are billions of them there. [laughter] so i guess it all comes down to a size issue. you're mad that the atoms are microscopic and the cross is big. perhaps as a compromise, we could build you an atomic symbol statue, but it has to be made out of billions of crosses. [laughter] we'll be right back. [cheering and applause] [cheering and applause]
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>> jon: welcome back to the show. you know, we cover a lot of medical issues on the program.
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recently one of these stories, well, it hit a little too close to home. our own jason jones had a health scare that tore his life apart. he's here now discuss it with us. jason, thanks for joining me. >> thank you, jon. [cheering and applause] i decided to share my story so people out there know they don't have to go through something like i went through alone. take a look. ♪ ♪ for the past five years i noticed my health deteriorating. i found myself fatigued. i was [bleeped] and gaining weight exponentially. every day was a struggle. so i decided to talk to a television doctor. i told him about my insomnia, the vomit i would mysteriously
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find on my chest and the voices that hounded me every night and weekend. i wasn't prepared for what he was going to tell me. >> well, it sounds like you have children. [laughter] >> you're saying i have children? and tragically, through unprotected intercourse, i had transmitted children to my wife. >> i just don't know what to do. you know, i feel like i can't even use bar soap around here without getting pregnant. >> you always hear about it happening to other people, but you never think it's going to happen to you. it's just so sad. bradley! bradley, put those down! >> hey, those are daddy's "star wars" toys. >> you're ruining them? it's so sad. i had to fight this disease. in my sleepless nights of research, i discovered children are a degenerative condition
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which affects every race across the globe. and similar to herpes, you are stuck with children for the rest of your life. but right when all hope was lost, tv doctor, dr. lamb, informed me of an experimental procedure that could prevent future outbreaks. >> the urologist will just make a little puncture right into the scrotum, into the sac, and will isolate what we call the vas deferens, and make a little incision into them. >> that sounds very invasive. is there any other way? >> well, it's called a condom. >> well, that's a no-brainer there. cut me open. >> no, no, no, we're not going to do the procedure now. >> my mind was made up. i was going to get a vasectomy. it was the only way to regain my life. the only thing left to do was find someone to perform the surgery. and i went with the obvious choice. the doctor held my life in his hands.
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would you say i have a larger than average vas deferens? >> you have a great size vas deferens. >> thank you, doctor. >> you're welcome. >> and as he went to work, i thought of all the good times the three of us had had together. ♪ i will remember you >> at work. ♪ will you remember me and at play. we went through hard times, as well. oh, guys, you okay? all right. but i was there for them, and they were there for me. [laughter] >> all right, jason, you did great. we're done. >> really? i wasn't even done with my montage yet. and just like that i had my life back yet. but i just didn't realize how [bleeped] achy my nuts would be for the next three weeks. however, i'm adjusting and
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getting used to it. my children will never be cured, but at least i know it won't get worse. if you have children, get the help you need. you are not alone. >> daddy? >> yes? >> can i have another brother or sister? >> nope. cut my balls off. sucker. [cheering and applause] ♪ i'm a speck of dust alone in the wire jungle. some dust rags say i'm unreachable, [ grunting ] but that's how i like it. unattached, free, indep... i've changed my mind. ♪ i believe in miracles [ female announcer ] swiffer attracts dust. new and improved swiffer dusters with dust lock adhesive picks up two times more dust than a dry dust rag
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and locks it away. you're very adventurous! [ female announcer ] swiffer gives cleaning a whole new meaning.
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>> jon: welcome back.
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my guest tonight is the senior united states senator from the great state of illinois. please welcome to the program senator dick durbin. sir, nice to see you again. [cheering and applause] >> how are you doing? >> jon: all right. that was nice. you saw the show back in the green room. >> yeah, i did. >> jon: i apologize. normally that's the kind of stuff we would show someone from the house of representatives. you are more obviously esteemed. how are you holding up? you've been at the senate how long? >> 15 years. >> jon: 15 years. is this the worst it's been? do you sense people's upset with congress? >> jon, they say the approval rating of congress is between 6% and 19%. i don't believe we have that
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many relatives, so... >> jon: it's getting ugly out there. >> the numbers are inflated. [laughter] >> jon: is it... do you... do you believe it is understandable that people might be frustrated with, for instance, this debt ceiling issue and the deficit reduction plans and those things? are the american people being incredibly unfair, or can you understand their upset? >> oh, i get it. i understand it. here we have an economy with too many people out of work. we're not getting well fast enough. and up comes the idea of defaulting on america's debt for the first time in history. let's see how that works. and most people would say, well, that's a self-inflicted wound. it is a politically manufactured crisis. it's just going to make things worse. >> jon: so you in essence don't care for congress either? >> trust me, there are moments when i don't, and i'm pretty close to it, so i see it behind the scenes. >> jon: well, that's what's so interesting. the deficit reduction plan that we got seems very similar. you were on this simpson-bowles
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committee. >> right. >> jon: now that was created to come up with a thoughtful, bipartisan solution long term to our crisis. how long did you work on that? >> ten months. >> jon: and it was... what was involved in simpson-bowles? >> well, there were 18 of us appointed by the president and by the leaders in congress, pretty evenly divided in terms of democrats and republicans, business sector as well as people who work in government. and we sat and considered all the options. at the end of it, and i thought erskine bowles did a masterful job, they said, here it is. and when i looked at it, i thought, at the end of the day, there aren't many options. you have basically three things -- spending, general spending, the entitlement programs and revenue or taxes. and if you don't put them all on the table, you're going to take too much out of one or the other. i voted for it.
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11 out of 18 of us voted for it. >> jon: this did not make it to congress. >> no. >> jon: they never got a chance to do anything with it because the group that was formed to make it rejected it. >> 11 out of 18 did. and we were supposed to get 14, but the clock had run out on us to be honest. that's how the gang of six came about. >> jon: that's next step. >> saxby chambliss of georgia, mark warner of virginia said, can we take this bold idea and actually turn it into legislation. >> jon: you were on the gang of six, as well. >> i was. >> jon: the gang of six -- simpson bowles sounds like a british wedding announcement. that's not going to be. but "gang of six," this is serious business. now people are going to get hurt. [laughter] what happens then? >> first the tattoos. [laughter] >> jon: the teardrops. terrible. >> a few secret handshakes. then we sat down for about five, six months and worked it
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through. how do we turn this idea into a law? it wasn't easy. but we did it. and unfortunately we did it too late. if there's anything, any fault i would have with our effort, we should have done this weeks before so we were players in this last conversation. but here's what was interesting. we held a meeting about three weeks ago, invited 70 members of congress who had expressed an interest in this to come around and let us tell you what we've decided. 49 showed up. equally invited. then we said, all right, let's take the next step. are you ready to sign on the line here, put your name next to this thing. 36 senators, democrats and republicans, said, we'll sign on it. and it's the real thing. it isn't a joke. i mean, it really does get to the bottom. that's what, despite all the negative feelings people have about congress, there is a force at work here among at least the senators that i serve with, a bipartisan force, that gets it right. and i think it, with the right opportunity, can deal with this in a grown-up way.
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what we've just seen was embarrassing. >> jon: so 16 months you put in on this? >> make it 16 to 18 months. right. >> jon: so you could have had two kids in that time. all right. so... >> that's a recurring theme on this show. >> jon: it really is. but in that time, you honed this down, and yet ultimately it's not even considered. all that work. is that the framework that will be used in the next fight? or at what point are you just on a stationary bicycle and what... because now there is an idea of a super committee. >> right. >> jon: that will be the gang of six but with knives or whatever they're going to do. and what will that accomplish? >> well, in fairness, we weren't ready for prime time. we didn't have this thing in writing. we weren't ready to present this and say, here, save the day. we weren't there. but we're close enough that we can get there in a short period
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of time. so along comes the idea of a joint committee. now, i've seen this movie. i saw it in the original english with bowles-simpson. and then i saw it in subtitles in gang of six. and now they're going... whatever it is. it always ends the same way. you always have the same things on the table. you have to decide, all right whacks are we going to do to each of these that's good for the economy, that's fair to everybody. and so i hope that at some point this joint committee takes what we've done and puts it on the table and says, let's save some time. this joint committee has ten weeks, literally ten weeks start to finish to come up with a product. that's not a lot of time. >> now is that a product that then needs to be voted on by the full house and the full senate. >> and if it fails, in comes the so-called triggers. that means deep spending cuts on the domestic side where we've already taken a big cut. >> jon: do you feel any regrets that the democrats, when they had control of the house and senate, didn't just pass a
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budget, when they had the opportunity to, didn't punch it out of fear of losing seats in the house, so that the republicans could come in, change that so-called gephardt rule and make it so that the debt ceiling doesn't automatically get raised in a budget? if they had done that, wouldn't that have basically avoided this entire debacle? >> we could have spared ourselves of this. and i think we should have. you know, there's something fundamentally unfair, and i'll point the finger at my republican colleagues. >> jon: now that seems surprising. >> is that okay? >> jon: yeah. >> many of them have said they like war, they like waging war, they like the notion of staying in war. they think we should spend a lot of money in war, and when the president says, uh, i'm going to have to borrow a little money to do this, no way. i'm just for war when i don't have to vote for the debt ceiling. >> jon: to be fair, i don't think anyone would say, "i like war." you mean that metaphorically? >> metaphorically. >> jon: you mean they like to
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fight? >> they like the notion that we would engage our troops in combat to assert america's position in the world. some of us for example, there were 23 of us who voted against the war in iraq. >> jon: that's... that's a slightly different conversation. i thought you were going somewhere else with that completely, but that's like... can you stick around far little bit? i do want to explore that. we'll throw that up on the web. okay. didn't see that coming. all right. [laughter] senator dick durbin. illinois. we'll be right back. [applaus
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negotiator: you must be the new kid. naomi pryce: i am. i'm in the name your own price division. i find empty hotel rooms and help people save - >> - up to 60% off. i am familiar. your name?
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> naomi pryce. >> what other "negotiating" skills do you have? > i'm a fifth-degree black belt. >> as am i. > i'm fluent in 37 languages. >> (indistinct clicking) > and i'm a master of disguise >> as am i. > as am i. >> as am i. > as am i. >> well played naomi pryce.
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>> jon: thank you very much. that's our show. in the web version of the interview with the senator, i mentioned grover norquist was the head of the club for growth. he's actually the head of americans for tax reform, although in my defense, same [bleeped] difference. join us next week at 11:00. here it is, your moment of zen. ♪ hey
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hey ♪captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh >> stephen: tonight the latest on last week's iowa straw poll. it is now an empty dirt field full of raccoons. then anderson cooper loses his composure, it's the worse journalistic gaffe since walter cronkite covered the moon landing topless. and my guest is kevin mitnick. i'll ask him how to set up my goddamn wireless printer. it's my last blog cast for two weeks-- broadcast for two weeks but i promise to give you one last great show before i go. this-- just roll it captioning sponsored by comedy central